my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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