Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
