Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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