that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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