My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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