i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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