she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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