i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
