thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
