Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
