My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
