a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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