My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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