I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
