How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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