There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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