just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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