Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
