No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
