Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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