I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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