She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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