Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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