Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
