Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
