I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
