a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
