Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
