2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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