I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
