Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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