I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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