Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize