Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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