Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
