Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
