im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
