Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
