Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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