We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
