i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
