I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize