apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize