I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
