Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I need to wash the frat house off of me
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
