I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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