Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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