i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
