Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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