I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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