if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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