i dont even know how to be here
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
