what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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