I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
