Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
