...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
