His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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