also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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