So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
