Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
