when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
