Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
