The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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