Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
