Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
